this is for you..

Ok, so I started this blog way back in September of 2006. It was one of those late after hours party nights in the lab. I had intentions of documenting my life. What I did, who I knew, random thoughts and other such nonsense. Yeh… That didn’t hold up very long. 3 years later, and only 11 posts... And even worse, I didn’t touch it at all in 2007. For a moment I used this place to vent. I’ll still probably do that from time to time but hopefully I won’t have to hit you with those thoughts too often.

Due to peer pressure, (Kyle) popular demand (myspacers), and a woman that I love with all my heart telling me to do something (not suggesting), and considering the fact that it’s 3a.m. and my ass is awake working on photos, I’m gonna go ahead and give it another shot. :)

you.

It's not the world. It's not them. it's you.
What was, no longer is. Nor will it ever be.
Get over it and move the fuck on.

You can't let the small and insignificant keep you from moving forward. See.

Lost words... / They say...

For some reason I often feel as if well placed words and thoughts are wasted or lost on those around me. The spoken and written word is a very complex thing no matter the language. And yes, things can be interpreted incorrectly. But I feel that people use interpretation as an excuse to bend things. To give them a reason to accept something or an even better reason to disregard it. Context is a very important thing. Given the context of a conversation, the definition of a word can vary immensely. I’m fine with this. What I’m not fine with is people’s lack of comprehension of this. Some regard definitions as general descriptions, while others view them as meaning that is set in stone. Rocks move and water rarely if ever flows in a straight line….

I could go on with this for quite a bit but I won’t…

Getting on with it... I feel I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it in. and since my direct approach seems to be failing, I’ll just continue with my photos. They’ll still remain untitled but on random occasions I’ll throw in a description with some meaning. If you get it, great. If not, fuck it. Enjoy the photo. That’s why I posted it in the first place.


They say…
"That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.”

In reality though...
That which doesn't kill you just might keep trying until it does...


March 31st 2005.

Don’t make fun of it, Don’t destroy it, Don’t cheapen it, That one special thing that everyone has.

My love, My dreams, And you.

I won’t let go, No matter what.

On those nights when you can’t settle down, No matter what you do, You feel like throwing it all away.

Don’t say a word, just open the door, I just don’t have the time to fight with you, I wanna fly all over the place.

I wanna throw caution to the wind!

I haven’t lost anything.

I haven’t even gotten started yet.

Don’t make fun of it, Don’t destroy it, Don’t cheapen it, That one special thing that everyone has.

My love, My dreams, And you. I won’t let those go, no matter what.

What is it that you want?

What do you wanna do? Where do you wanna go?

Grab what you want and rip through the darkness as you run through the night!

the moment...

sometimes i wish i could remember... but then i wish i could forget...

remember yesterday... forget today... remember today... forget tomorrow...remember tomorrow...forget yesterday...

i'm tying to live in the moment, but even the moment is structured. today, and all of it's moments are based on tomorrow, which is based on yesterday. yesterday is what's killing me. and yesterday is killing tomorrow.. which is killing today...

one moment at a time. embracing each one as they come. that's all i can do.

A Rare Moment...

i'm happy right now. go ahead and smile. 

^__^

deep thoughts to come at a later date. right now,  they just don't matter.

Last Year...

so last year, january 23, 2007, i wrote the words...

"what do you do when you just feel like giving up? when you feel like letting go? hell, you've already let go... this isn't the first time that you've been on this beautiful little trip... now, do you just begin to embrace the freedom of the fall? no longer thinking of the excruciating pain that awaits you at the bottom... forgetting that once you hit rock bottom, your ass will be beyond broken....you've already picked your self up so many times..and pieced it all back together that now you're holding on l o o s e l y with tattered threads and crappy scotch tape... just the wind is tearing you apart...

you know you're not getting up again....."

a year later, and i still feel like this fucking crab....


i'm completely out of my element, disoriented from the impact, confused about my situation, and lost as fuck. for the past year i've been crawling slowly along the bottom because i'm afraid to fly.
and i'm afraid to fly because i'm afraid of crashing....

i'm so tired of picking myself up, repairing the damage, and holding myself together.

but... i still want to fucking fly.

life.. i look around it, and it appears to be a group activity for most. but for some reason looking back on my own it seems as if it's been a solo act. but this is another conversation for another time.

About Gold fish...

so, i was gonna buy a goldfish the other day. nothing fancy. just your standard, run of the mill 15 cent goldfish.

then i started thinking...

these lil' guys have a memory span of about 30 seconds. right now in the pet shop, this lil' guy is in a 55-100 gallon tank. he's surrounded by 300 of his best fuckin' friends. he's got crystal clear water, it's filtered, it's fresh. he's got a lovely bright fluorescent light above him. feeding time is an always-on-schedule fun filled feeding frenzy.

30 seconds at a time... his life, it's filled with friends, it's clean, clear, bright, he's properly fed and it's fun. all this... for 30 seconds at a time.

now, if i decide to throw my nickle and dime on the counter.. this lil' guys world is going to do a complete 180.

suddenly he's confined to a glass bowl. he's completely alone. his water, it would still be clean and clear, but it would only be refreshed once or twice a week rather than that non-stop continuous flow. either way still nothing like a pond. feeding time? not that he'd remember, but something would probably send him to the top of the water with his mouth ready to open up for something. but that something would be nothing.

suddenly he's alone in semi-stagnant water.. and he's hungry...

and he doesn't know why.

Confessions & Questions...

because this is long overdue...

disclaimer: i'm talking to you, you, and you but not you, you, or you.

i guess a good way to start would be to say "i'm sorry". but let's be real. i'm not. i did it because i could. you were never supposed to find out. maybe someday you'll learn how to keep your nose out of places that it doesn't belong. i never really liked you. i should've said no. on several occasions. i did it for you though. no one else would. you never trusted me. why?
i never should've left. i gave you everything. you left me with nothing. i wish you could free yourself. i wish you valued yourself as much as you value them. at the same time i wish i valued them the way you did. i envy you. i hate the fact that i'm alone, completely alone.

fuck.

i've been falling apart for years. i've hit the ground far to many times. the tape, it's wearing thin. all i want to do is fly. or at least feel like i am. i just want to feel like how i felt when i was around you.

maybe i tried to hard. i've lost my drive. i've given up. mentally. my heart, it won't. you (would) view my behaviour as reckless. really i'm just trying to make it beat just as fast and as hard as it did when i was with you. or make it stop all together. maybe that stint on christmas was a failed attempt.

What if?

have you ever wondered...
what if? it's a big fuckin' question.. but what if... what if you had done just one thing differently? what if you had tried something else? what if you had given somebody else a chance? what if you said something differently? what of you'd not said anything at all? what if you could see what it may have been like if you had taken that other chance? even if you could only experience it for a short moment but then you would have to go back to the way things were before? would you do it? what if it left you longing for a life that you could never have? would you still do it?

what i'm here for...

ok so as another day slips by i realize yet another thing that separates me from the rest of my fellow photographers. i am not on these modeling sites sending out messages saying"omg! i love your eyes! i love your physique.. wow, you are gorgeous! i would love to work with you!" etc... etc... i'm not here to boost up their egos. make them think that they deserve to be placed above the rest of society when in all honesty, i meet more gorgeous people in the streets on a regular basis. do i need them in my book? to a degree. yes. but for the most part. no. it's nice to shoot people who want to be shot but at the same time i refuse to run up behind them and kiss their asses making them think that they are something more than they really are.
it also hurts to watch my classmates do this. they need us. i need cash. yet these so-called and self proclaimed models have it completely twisted.. this thought is incomplete... it's late. more later.

1:50 a.m.

ok so it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning and where am i? i'm at school. at school, in the lab, scanning photos. i do this everyday. i work in the lab. i'm here on my days off. and here i am. at 2 o'clock in the morning. in the lab. i either have no life, or i am extremely dedicated to what i do.