Some blonde chick.

Who is this chick? This is Megan. How do I know her? Well, I could bore you with some long ass story about how we met in a dark place that reeked of chemicals… I could go on to tell you about how we used to kick it up on the Riviera late at night working on photos or smoking and enjoying the view of the ocean from the parking lot. Or I could tell you about the many nights spent with her and her awesome roommate that sometimes ended with me being a bit drunk and rolling around on the floor. But I won’t bore you with any of the fond memories that I have. That’s not why you come here. You come to look at pictures. So here ya go. And if ya want to see more, go check out her website. Do you dig it? Yeh, you do.

And this is Carl. Carl is rarely, if ever clean. This was a moment worth documenting. 

things could be..

Marvelous. A relatively happy sounding song, especially the techno dance mix that’s reminiscent of my high school days. Well, it’s happy sounding until you hear the lyrics… Then you realize that it’s kind of fucked up. Kind of like my life. Maybe it’s appropriate that this song is running around in my head even though I haven’t heard it since I was in high school.

^{“Oh you hope to fit, but you're fit to drop / So open up the window and jump into the blue / Things could be marvelous, things could be fabulous /
Oh do you need a push, I'll push you off / Open up the window and jump into the blue / Things could be marvelous soon / Oh you hate to hit till you hit the top / Open up the window and jump into the blue / Things could be marvelous, things could be fabulous soon / Oh well these are the days and this is the life / There'll always be something on your mind / You'll never quite find / Won't you ever make your mind up / Now you'll never be sure if this is the time / If this is the moment, the end of the line / You'll never decide / You used to know but now you've forgotten / The submarine got stuck to the bottom / These are the days so wake up ‘cause this is the time / And you know I'm right”}

I’m perplexed. I feel as if I’m being taunted by some unknown past defeat. Somehow i still haven't figured out how to pick myself up. But I don't know what defeated me or how I was defeated... I'm aware of it but just barely. It lurks at the edges of my subconscious. It’s holding me back. And until I figure out what it was/is, and how to defeat it, I’ll stay (t)here.

This is the moment. This is the time. I need to figure this out. I’m tired of being stuck to the bottom. It’s time for a new chapter. If I can turn the page then maybe… Things just might be marvelous.

Happy Halloween!

So yesterday as I was riding home I had the sudden urge to buy a pumpkin. I mean it is Halloween and I haven’t had one since I was in grade school so I decided to go for it. Luckily there was a mini pumpkin patch set up in the 7-eleven parking lot just right down the block from my pad. I wandered around for a bit then one jumped out at me. When I got home with it I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I just sat there and stared at it for a bit. About a half a bottle of wine later I decided that I should document this occasion.

:) with a wave of my majik wand... abracadabra! ^_^

Later that evening Kari came by with her own pumpkin. It was time for a massacre.. Just kidding. We brought them to life with wonderful faces and the let them feel the fire of life burn within them.

"hey! pay attention!" 

group shot.

the following shots are courtesy of Kari

happy halloween!

every now and then.

Yesterday I was hanging out by L&L Hawaiian BBQ enjoying my katsu chicken and found myself intrigued by the sky… I often find myself just watching the clouds. I get lost in them. I don’t imagine myself skipping around in them or anything. I just get kind of mesmerized. Sometimes I see structures and creatures but that’s probably more a result of my subconscious. As much as I enjoy watching them, I rarely take photos of them. Lately I’ve been playing around with my lil' digital point and shoot though. It feels appropriate to share. Here’s what I saw. Now get out of the house. Go to the nearest park, rooftop, balcony, or whatever and go do some cloud watching.

Last week.

Ok, so last week I managed to crawl out of my hole and interact with the world outside. As for what happened.. Well here are the pictures. You can name the characters and make your own story. You know, like those choose your own story books from scholastics. Have fun.

 fin

this is for you..

Ok, so I started this blog way back in September of 2006. It was one of those late after hours party nights in the lab. I had intentions of documenting my life. What I did, who I knew, random thoughts and other such nonsense. Yeh… That didn’t hold up very long. 3 years later, and only 11 posts... And even worse, I didn’t touch it at all in 2007. For a moment I used this place to vent. I’ll still probably do that from time to time but hopefully I won’t have to hit you with those thoughts too often.

Due to peer pressure, (Kyle) popular demand (myspacers), and a woman that I love with all my heart telling me to do something (not suggesting), and considering the fact that it’s 3a.m. and my ass is awake working on photos, I’m gonna go ahead and give it another shot. :)

you.

It's not the world. It's not them. it's you.
What was, no longer is. Nor will it ever be.
Get over it and move the fuck on.

You can't let the small and insignificant keep you from moving forward. See.

Lost words... / They say...

For some reason I often feel as if well placed words and thoughts are wasted or lost on those around me. The spoken and written word is a very complex thing no matter the language. And yes, things can be interpreted incorrectly. But I feel that people use interpretation as an excuse to bend things. To give them a reason to accept something or an even better reason to disregard it. Context is a very important thing. Given the context of a conversation, the definition of a word can vary immensely. I’m fine with this. What I’m not fine with is people’s lack of comprehension of this. Some regard definitions as general descriptions, while others view them as meaning that is set in stone. Rocks move and water rarely if ever flows in a straight line….

I could go on with this for quite a bit but I won’t…

Getting on with it... I feel I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to say it in. and since my direct approach seems to be failing, I’ll just continue with my photos. They’ll still remain untitled but on random occasions I’ll throw in a description with some meaning. If you get it, great. If not, fuck it. Enjoy the photo. That’s why I posted it in the first place.


They say…
"That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.”

In reality though...
That which doesn't kill you just might keep trying until it does...


March 31st 2005.

Don’t make fun of it, Don’t destroy it, Don’t cheapen it, That one special thing that everyone has.

My love, My dreams, And you.

I won’t let go, No matter what.

On those nights when you can’t settle down, No matter what you do, You feel like throwing it all away.

Don’t say a word, just open the door, I just don’t have the time to fight with you, I wanna fly all over the place.

I wanna throw caution to the wind!

I haven’t lost anything.

I haven’t even gotten started yet.

Don’t make fun of it, Don’t destroy it, Don’t cheapen it, That one special thing that everyone has.

My love, My dreams, And you. I won’t let those go, no matter what.

What is it that you want?

What do you wanna do? Where do you wanna go?

Grab what you want and rip through the darkness as you run through the night!

the moment...

sometimes i wish i could remember... but then i wish i could forget...

remember yesterday... forget today... remember today... forget tomorrow...remember tomorrow...forget yesterday...

i'm tying to live in the moment, but even the moment is structured. today, and all of it's moments are based on tomorrow, which is based on yesterday. yesterday is what's killing me. and yesterday is killing tomorrow.. which is killing today...

one moment at a time. embracing each one as they come. that's all i can do.

A Rare Moment...

i'm happy right now. go ahead and smile. 

^__^

deep thoughts to come at a later date. right now,  they just don't matter.

Last Year...

so last year, january 23, 2007, i wrote the words...

"what do you do when you just feel like giving up? when you feel like letting go? hell, you've already let go... this isn't the first time that you've been on this beautiful little trip... now, do you just begin to embrace the freedom of the fall? no longer thinking of the excruciating pain that awaits you at the bottom... forgetting that once you hit rock bottom, your ass will be beyond broken....you've already picked your self up so many times..and pieced it all back together that now you're holding on l o o s e l y with tattered threads and crappy scotch tape... just the wind is tearing you apart...

you know you're not getting up again....."

a year later, and i still feel like this fucking crab....


i'm completely out of my element, disoriented from the impact, confused about my situation, and lost as fuck. for the past year i've been crawling slowly along the bottom because i'm afraid to fly.
and i'm afraid to fly because i'm afraid of crashing....

i'm so tired of picking myself up, repairing the damage, and holding myself together.

but... i still want to fucking fly.

life.. i look around it, and it appears to be a group activity for most. but for some reason looking back on my own it seems as if it's been a solo act. but this is another conversation for another time.

About Gold fish...

so, i was gonna buy a goldfish the other day. nothing fancy. just your standard, run of the mill 15 cent goldfish.

then i started thinking...

these lil' guys have a memory span of about 30 seconds. right now in the pet shop, this lil' guy is in a 55-100 gallon tank. he's surrounded by 300 of his best fuckin' friends. he's got crystal clear water, it's filtered, it's fresh. he's got a lovely bright fluorescent light above him. feeding time is an always-on-schedule fun filled feeding frenzy.

30 seconds at a time... his life, it's filled with friends, it's clean, clear, bright, he's properly fed and it's fun. all this... for 30 seconds at a time.

now, if i decide to throw my nickle and dime on the counter.. this lil' guys world is going to do a complete 180.

suddenly he's confined to a glass bowl. he's completely alone. his water, it would still be clean and clear, but it would only be refreshed once or twice a week rather than that non-stop continuous flow. either way still nothing like a pond. feeding time? not that he'd remember, but something would probably send him to the top of the water with his mouth ready to open up for something. but that something would be nothing.

suddenly he's alone in semi-stagnant water.. and he's hungry...

and he doesn't know why.

Confessions & Questions...

because this is long overdue...

disclaimer: i'm talking to you, you, and you but not you, you, or you.

i guess a good way to start would be to say "i'm sorry". but let's be real. i'm not. i did it because i could. you were never supposed to find out. maybe someday you'll learn how to keep your nose out of places that it doesn't belong. i never really liked you. i should've said no. on several occasions. i did it for you though. no one else would. you never trusted me. why?
i never should've left. i gave you everything. you left me with nothing. i wish you could free yourself. i wish you valued yourself as much as you value them. at the same time i wish i valued them the way you did. i envy you. i hate the fact that i'm alone, completely alone.

fuck.

i've been falling apart for years. i've hit the ground far to many times. the tape, it's wearing thin. all i want to do is fly. or at least feel like i am. i just want to feel like how i felt when i was around you.

maybe i tried to hard. i've lost my drive. i've given up. mentally. my heart, it won't. you (would) view my behaviour as reckless. really i'm just trying to make it beat just as fast and as hard as it did when i was with you. or make it stop all together. maybe that stint on christmas was a failed attempt.