sometimes i wish i could remember... but then i wish i could forget...
remember yesterday... forget today... remember today... forget tomorrow...remember tomorrow...forget yesterday...
i'm tying to live in the moment, but even the moment is structured. today, and all of it's moments are based on tomorrow, which is based on yesterday. yesterday is what's killing me. and yesterday is killing tomorrow.. which is killing today...
one moment at a time. embracing each one as they come. that's all i can do.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
A Rare Moment...
i'm happy right now. go ahead and smile.
^__^
deep thoughts to come at a later date. right now, they just don't matter.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Last Year...
so last year, january 23, 2007, i wrote the words...
"what do you do when you just feel like giving up? when you feel like letting go? hell, you've already let go... this isn't the first time that you've been on this beautiful little trip... now, do you just begin to embrace the freedom of the fall? no longer thinking of the excruciating pain that awaits you at the bottom... forgetting that once you hit rock bottom, your ass will be beyond broken....you've already picked your self up so many times..and pieced it all back together that now you're holding on l o o s e l y with tattered threads and crappy scotch tape... just the wind is tearing you apart...
you know you're not getting up again....."
a year later, and i still feel like this fucking crab....
i'm completely out of my element, disoriented from the impact, confused about my situation, and lost as fuck. for the past year i've been crawling slowly along the bottom because i'm afraid to fly.
and i'm afraid to fly because i'm afraid of crashing....
i'm so tired of picking myself up, repairing the damage, and holding myself together.
but... i still want to fucking fly.
life.. i look around it, and it appears to be a group activity for most. but for some reason looking back on my own it seems as if it's been a solo act. but this is another conversation for another time.
"what do you do when you just feel like giving up? when you feel like letting go? hell, you've already let go... this isn't the first time that you've been on this beautiful little trip... now, do you just begin to embrace the freedom of the fall? no longer thinking of the excruciating pain that awaits you at the bottom... forgetting that once you hit rock bottom, your ass will be beyond broken....you've already picked your self up so many times..and pieced it all back together that now you're holding on l o o s e l y with tattered threads and crappy scotch tape... just the wind is tearing you apart...
you know you're not getting up again....."
a year later, and i still feel like this fucking crab....
i'm completely out of my element, disoriented from the impact, confused about my situation, and lost as fuck. for the past year i've been crawling slowly along the bottom because i'm afraid to fly.
and i'm afraid to fly because i'm afraid of crashing....
i'm so tired of picking myself up, repairing the damage, and holding myself together.
but... i still want to fucking fly.
life.. i look around it, and it appears to be a group activity for most. but for some reason looking back on my own it seems as if it's been a solo act. but this is another conversation for another time.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
About Gold fish...
so, i was gonna buy a goldfish the other day. nothing fancy. just your standard, run of the mill 15 cent goldfish.
then i started thinking...
these lil' guys have a memory span of about 30 seconds. right now in the pet shop, this lil' guy is in a 55-100 gallon tank. he's surrounded by 300 of his best fuckin' friends. he's got crystal clear water, it's filtered, it's fresh. he's got a lovely bright fluorescent light above him. feeding time is an always-on-schedule fun filled feeding frenzy.
30 seconds at a time... his life, it's filled with friends, it's clean, clear, bright, he's properly fed and it's fun. all this... for 30 seconds at a time.
now, if i decide to throw my nickle and dime on the counter.. this lil' guys world is going to do a complete 180.
suddenly he's confined to a glass bowl. he's completely alone. his water, it would still be clean and clear, but it would only be refreshed once or twice a week rather than that non-stop continuous flow. either way still nothing like a pond. feeding time? not that he'd remember, but something would probably send him to the top of the water with his mouth ready to open up for something. but that something would be nothing.
suddenly he's alone in semi-stagnant water.. and he's hungry...
and he doesn't know why.
then i started thinking...
these lil' guys have a memory span of about 30 seconds. right now in the pet shop, this lil' guy is in a 55-100 gallon tank. he's surrounded by 300 of his best fuckin' friends. he's got crystal clear water, it's filtered, it's fresh. he's got a lovely bright fluorescent light above him. feeding time is an always-on-schedule fun filled feeding frenzy.
30 seconds at a time... his life, it's filled with friends, it's clean, clear, bright, he's properly fed and it's fun. all this... for 30 seconds at a time.
now, if i decide to throw my nickle and dime on the counter.. this lil' guys world is going to do a complete 180.
suddenly he's confined to a glass bowl. he's completely alone. his water, it would still be clean and clear, but it would only be refreshed once or twice a week rather than that non-stop continuous flow. either way still nothing like a pond. feeding time? not that he'd remember, but something would probably send him to the top of the water with his mouth ready to open up for something. but that something would be nothing.
suddenly he's alone in semi-stagnant water.. and he's hungry...
and he doesn't know why.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Confessions & Questions...
because this is long overdue...
disclaimer: i'm talking to you, you, and you but not you, you, or you.
i guess a good way to start would be to say "i'm sorry". but let's be real. i'm not. i did it because i could. you were never supposed to find out. maybe someday you'll learn how to keep your nose out of places that it doesn't belong. i never really liked you. i should've said no. on several occasions. i did it for you though. no one else would. you never trusted me. why?
i never should've left. i gave you everything. you left me with nothing. i wish you could free yourself. i wish you valued yourself as much as you value them. at the same time i wish i valued them the way you did. i envy you. i hate the fact that i'm alone, completely alone.
fuck.
i've been falling apart for years. i've hit the ground far to many times. the tape, it's wearing thin. all i want to do is fly. or at least feel like i am. i just want to feel like how i felt when i was around you.
maybe i tried to hard. i've lost my drive. i've given up. mentally. my heart, it won't. you (would) view my behaviour as reckless. really i'm just trying to make it beat just as fast and as hard as it did when i was with you. or make it stop all together. maybe that stint on christmas was a failed attempt.
disclaimer: i'm talking to you, you, and you but not you, you, or you.
i guess a good way to start would be to say "i'm sorry". but let's be real. i'm not. i did it because i could. you were never supposed to find out. maybe someday you'll learn how to keep your nose out of places that it doesn't belong. i never really liked you. i should've said no. on several occasions. i did it for you though. no one else would. you never trusted me. why?
i never should've left. i gave you everything. you left me with nothing. i wish you could free yourself. i wish you valued yourself as much as you value them. at the same time i wish i valued them the way you did. i envy you. i hate the fact that i'm alone, completely alone.
fuck.
i've been falling apart for years. i've hit the ground far to many times. the tape, it's wearing thin. all i want to do is fly. or at least feel like i am. i just want to feel like how i felt when i was around you.
maybe i tried to hard. i've lost my drive. i've given up. mentally. my heart, it won't. you (would) view my behaviour as reckless. really i'm just trying to make it beat just as fast and as hard as it did when i was with you. or make it stop all together. maybe that stint on christmas was a failed attempt.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
What if?
have you ever wondered...
what if? it's a big fuckin' question.. but what if... what if you had done just one thing differently? what if you had tried something else? what if you had given somebody else a chance? what if you said something differently? what of you'd not said anything at all? what if you could see what it may have been like if you had taken that other chance? even if you could only experience it for a short moment but then you would have to go back to the way things were before? would you do it? what if it left you longing for a life that you could never have? would you still do it?
what if? it's a big fuckin' question.. but what if... what if you had done just one thing differently? what if you had tried something else? what if you had given somebody else a chance? what if you said something differently? what of you'd not said anything at all? what if you could see what it may have been like if you had taken that other chance? even if you could only experience it for a short moment but then you would have to go back to the way things were before? would you do it? what if it left you longing for a life that you could never have? would you still do it?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
what i'm here for...
ok so as another day slips by i realize yet another thing that separates me from the rest of my fellow photographers. i am not on these modeling sites sending out messages saying"omg! i love your eyes! i love your physique.. wow, you are gorgeous! i would love to work with you!" etc... etc... i'm not here to boost up their egos. make them think that they deserve to be placed above the rest of society when in all honesty, i meet more gorgeous people in the streets on a regular basis. do i need them in my book? to a degree. yes. but for the most part. no. it's nice to shoot people who want to be shot but at the same time i refuse to run up behind them and kiss their asses making them think that they are something more than they really are.
it also hurts to watch my classmates do this. they need us. i need cash. yet these so-called and self proclaimed models have it completely twisted.. this thought is incomplete... it's late. more later.
it also hurts to watch my classmates do this. they need us. i need cash. yet these so-called and self proclaimed models have it completely twisted.. this thought is incomplete... it's late. more later.
Monday, September 25, 2006
1:50 a.m.
ok so it's almost 2 o'clock in the morning and where am i? i'm at school. at school, in the lab, scanning photos. i do this everyday. i work in the lab. i'm here on my days off. and here i am. at 2 o'clock in the morning. in the lab. i either have no life, or i am extremely dedicated to what i do.
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